Humbled by Breast Dis-ease
In early November of 2005, my primary care physician in Boulder, CO discovered abnormalities in my left breast and recommended a mammogram. The mammogram revealed a mass of calcified cysts and a biopsy was recommended by the Radiologist. I was quickly and compassionately rushed into the western medicine protocol. Everything was moving way too fast. I know several women who have survived breast disease using strictly natural methods. I asked my Environmental Illness Specialist to slow down and that I wanted to treat my condition in this manner. I was supported and also encouraged to get a diagnosis from a Breast Disease Specialist. This appointment was 6 weeks away. I had plenty of time to take natural steps toward healing. Curiously, I had already done research a year ago for a friend in Costa Rica who had discovered breast lumps, so this information was already at my disposal. I am grateful that I did not have to do this research all over again.
The Healing Process
It was interesting to watch my psychological process. Initially, I believe I went into a state of denial around potential outcome of the discovery of the breast lump and quickly moved into acceptance and grace that it may just be my time. My yoga path has taught me deep surrender and acceptance. I am not afraid to die and had been feeling a great deal of completion in my life. I proceeded with self care in an almost automatic and removed way. This state is difficult to describe. I was just numb and at peace.
My dear friend, a clinical herbalist, got me started on a wild crafted herbal formula of Red Clover, Cleavers and Chaparral to break up the lump. She always says, “let the plants guide you." Having been close to many cancer survivors in my lifetime, I knew I also needed to clean up my diet and remove all stress. My acupuncturist began to treat my liver with acupuncture and Chinese herbs. According to Chinese medicine, a 5000 year old medical practice, breast disease is caused by liver dysfunction. If not treated, liver dysfunction will lead to breast cancer. One of my yoga colleagues who is studying Ayurvedic medicine (also a 2000+ year old medical tradition), recommended hot castor oil breast massages and emotional clearing. (Over the past month, I have switched to frankincense and lavender oil breast massage 4 days on and 4 days off.) Her teacher, Alandi, has written a comprehensive article on the emotional and environmental factors contributing to breast disease. To read this article, visit www.alandiashram.org
It was this practice that brought me into a state of deep awareness of this disease and what it meant to me. Alandi says that the breast is all about nurturing and mothering. The way she described how the disease manifests emotionally was right on for me. In summary, those who do not experience nurturing from their mother, can spend their entire life seeking that love. In my case, this led to over work to get approval from teachers, coaches, employers, my partners, my community and my children. I recognized, in that moment, how much energy I have expended on this and it is no wonder my liver is not functioning in a healthy manner.
Each time I do the breast massage, I tell myself all the loving things that I did not hear from my mother. “You are beautiful…you are talented…you can do whatever you want in life and you will have all the resources you need…you will be provided for.” This daily mantra was powerful and profound.
As my healing journey proceeded, it soon hit me that I could die of this disease and that, for my son, I need to do my best to recover. As his nurturing mother, I do not desire that he live with the legacy of a mother who died young, before he was a grown man. I chose to survive for him. Aside from my perceived obligations as a mother, I feel quite fulfilled and complete with my life.
Because of my existing condition, fibromyalgia, I am already investing a great deal of money and energy into my ongoing health care. Increased self care and medical expenses required a great deal of adjustment and led to withdrawal and irritability. Another important step along this healing journey was to deeply surrender to dying, regardless of my perceived obligations to my son’s emotional well being. This surrender allowed me the space to die, if that was meant to be and to back off the intense self care. Ultimately, this surrender led to more joy in the moment and less irritability around stepping up self care and increased medical treatments and expenses.
Karmic Gifts
When I finally went to the Breast Disease Specialist, she could not find the lump during the breast exam. She baulked at my natural healing methods and said things that led me to believe she thought I was imaging the lump. Both my husband, close friend and Environmental Illness Specialist can attest to the fact that the breast lump did in fact exist and that it was the size of a marble 6 weeks prior. After the exam, I went into the bathroom to double check. All I felt was a thick line of hard tissue where the lump was located. I reduced it with the above mentioned natural methods and a few day long retreats to our local yoga and retreat center. Since then, the size fluctuates depending on stress and diet, but remains smaller than when first discovered.
My experience with breast dis-ease invited me to step into deep self care and nonattachment. I have adjusted to the increased self care and now experience overall improved health and almost constant bliss. I will continue to monitor the lump with a mammogram this summer and by maintaining this high level of self care and natural treatments. It feels so good and so right to finally be loving myself the way I was born to be loved. I am grateful for all the lessons and all the abundance. Namaste. Jai Ma!
