“Falling Back into Oneself” - Osho

Ignited by the longer days and spring energy rise, I have decided to share a bit of my winter yoga journey with you.

The winter, for me, has been a repetition of opportunities to play in “emptiness”. My breast cancer walk has turned out to be primarily a solo journey. Of course, many have contributed to my healing. I thank you all for the CDs, soups, reiki, prayers, support, gifts, cards and check ins. However, ultimately, I have been left with a great deal of alone time and healing to do on my own. An opportunity to “fall back into oneself”. I have continued to see it as a gift. It has allowed me to drop deeply into what my body needs to heal. I am taking each step with intention and consciousness. My breast is demanding this of me. Any miseating or stress causes my breast to inflame and the tumor to increase in size. When I listen and nurture my body, the breast calms down and the inflammation subsides.

So back to my lessons…there have been so many. I can not attempt to cover all of them in one article. Perhaps the book will follow some day. There have been many lessons around tribe. At first, I was bowled over by the support from my women friends. That lasted about a month. The holidays rushed in and everyone disappeared. Timing is everything. The lack of community and extended family support left me and my immediate family to bare the care and all that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. The financial and physical stress created a major strain on my primary relationship. I was left to handle much of my care, and manifestation of outside care, on my own. Yet, another opportunity to “fall back into oneself”.

My daily meditation practice kept me steady and sane during these moments of “hard times“. The yogic teaching helped me to understand the gifts available to me in this challenging and lonely time. Many moments of bliss and contentment were found on my cushion. The simplicity of this experience was profound.

After several months of struggle and finding my way through the madness that cancer can activate in a family, a community and ones mind, my earth angel home helper appeared. I hired her without the money to do so, trusting that if I took care of myself, I would be provided for. Very soon, the money appeared…just enough. Soon the financial support that was needed for the alternative medical care came through, but not until I received all the lessons I needed around manifestation and holding prosperity and abundance. There were also early lessons around asking for and receiving support. These lessons have been unfolding for several years, as I apply my spiritual practice, lifestyle and manifestation principles.

I am grateful to all my practitioners that worked on a promise for a few months. All the money for my care and support was manifested solely by me, while healing cancer. It was a stress I did not think I could endure, but was necessary. If one chooses, when one’s life is at stake, one finds resources. I am grateful to my partner Rene, who steadily kept our household expenses a float during this time. Without this support, things would have been much tougher. With will and desire, I was also been able to maintain my part time teaching schedule and a light load of private clients. Providing service/making a contribution has been essential for my healing. The regular asana yoga practice I share with my students gives me daily energy/life force/prana. Sharing yoga in a group always raises the energy/universal vibration in the Club. Overall, I find Northampton Athletic Club has very “clean” (healthy) clear energy. Come check it out some time. They have saunas!

Now that I am feeling fully provided for and have found the support I need within, I feel much lighter. My healing journey has really just begun. I learned a lot from my practitioners about lifestyle changes that I needed to make. I had no choice, but to walk my Truth in order to heal my breast. My breast has been speaking to me all along the way. The cancer has been a teacher in finding my way back to my pure essence…living my bliss, being healthy. And by being healthy, I mean feeling my cells alive and my energy high…thriving. Elena and Lenore’s nourishing cooking has helped tremendously in experiencing the healing gifts of food. I am also truly grateful to my teachers, Sylvia and Ariana and all my friends who offered sage advice around putting ME first…COMPLETELY loving Self. “Falling back into oneself” was a necessary step to come into the kind of self love that is needed to heal naturally.

I have had periods when life has been full, but a constant has been much alone time in a rural town this winter. Because I have limited energy to drive and visit others, I had no choice but to have “tea” with mySelf each and every day. I love to feel the bliss I feel when I am doing exactly what I love to do and what my body needs in each moment. It is pure ecstasy! My preference is to be in tribe, but I can also do this. I trust there is a lesson in it around being in tribe. When one is solid within oneself and unaffected by others, then one can be One with everything else. I felt that today on my walk. I felt the evenness…steadiness…of oneness…being neutral. My actions were not effecting anyone else. No one else was effecting me. I was at peace.

Always grateful to you for reading and for practicing the yoga.

Namaste.

Jai Ma!

Prana
www.pranaheals.com

Breast Cancer Update

For those who are concerned or curious, I will provide a brief health status update.
A year ago, I discover a marble sized breast lump. It has been a very stressful year and a half, which included three moves, two teaching location changes and an unsettled family environment. I can honestly say that I have done an excellent job changing my diet, exercising, self care, spiritual growth and getting the care I need. I received the best natural care in the Valley. However, cancer is cancer. It grows fast. A year later, the tumor is now 2 cm X 2 cm. Yoga teachers are famous for their small breasts, so this is a significant size for me.

I also grew tired of the daily awareness that every move I made or feeling I was having effected my breast and the size of the tumor. I was feeling held back from engaging fully in my life because of all the pressure to heal myself. I like to be out in the world enjoying life. I felt the need to take the pressure off and allow myself to have some sugar now and then, a glass of sake once in a while. To feel that I will be o.k. if I lose a few hours sleep here and there to stay up a little later.

As I hit this lifestyle maintenance wall, I decided to check in with my Oncologist.
She has been very supportive of my choices and took it upon herself to inquire about a “low impact” lumpectomy with local anesthesia and no radiation. She sent me to another surgeon for a second opinion who was also very supportive. I received the surgery yesterday at Cooley Dickinson Hospital. With prayers, support, a calming herbal tea and the medicine bhudda chant, I came through the procedure and am feeling pretty strong and only experiencing very minor pain.

Minimizing the chemicals (pain killers/anesthesia) in my body, prayer, choosing the right Dr., the 4 month detox lifestyle/diet and a week long vacation in Florida the week before the surgery must have all contributed to this surgery going much smoother than the previous. I also got to see an operating room and be awake during a surgery which most women do heavily sedated. It was scary, but also felt very empowering.

While in the hospital, it was difficult not to notice how much holistic health is missing from this health care setting. During the series of 6 mammograms necessary to locate the tumor, I could have really used a neck massage with some arnica. Instead, the radiologist stood in the space as we waited for the X Rays to develop, fumbling around nervously trying to spark up conversation to distract me. I chanted to myself and gazed at my beautiful medicine bhudda pendant through the discomfort of the neck pain and sore breast. It could have been so much more healing if she was willing to give a neck rub or offer something natural and healing for neck and the breast pain. Rescue remedy for the trauma. It also would have been beneficial to my healing and experience to be permitted to have a close friend or healer with me providing reiki, massage and natural remedies, holding my hand and chanting with me throughout the surgery.

The doctor and nurses did an excellent job. I accepted them as who they were, and in their own way, they all offered healing and love. They were all acting from their Highest Place for the Highest Good and were all performing at their Highest Potential. This was my prayer as I entered the surgery and it was how it turned out. There were moments when I felt held by the circle of women working on the surgery. It was a spiritual experience. As spiritual as we all felt comfortable being in front of each other. It was as if it was under the surface or instead, possibly the Universal Oneness of all of us practicing our own individual and collective spirituality and healing abilities. The medicine bhudda picture lying next to my head and my prayers and intentions may have created the vibe...safety and atmosphere for all to engage from their Highest place.

My husband, Rene, took the day off and we made an adventure of it. Staying in each moment fully and laughing most of the day. I felt good enough afterwards to get some plant medicine in the Smith College greenhouse by sitting in the tropical room and inhaling the fragrances and colors of the Bulb Show. What a great thing to do after day stay surgery.

I will know my pathology results in a few days. I began Iscador injections a month ago. I think this medicine is making me stronger as well. Iscador is a homeopathic remedy made from mistletoe. It has been studied for 15 years in Switzerland and is now commonly used as an alternative to radiation and chemo in Switzerland and Germany. Studies show that it is more effective. I will continue these injections and healthy living and monitor the cancer growth/presence with a mammogram in six to 12 months.

Thanks for your concern, thoughts, prayers and love. I am in good hands and feel stronger and healthier than ever.